Wrinkles Away in 5 Min.

I’m entering this for my final grade, any critical encoragement/help accepted! remember this is copywrited, if you are to ever copy and publish this you WILL be fined. yay!
Sorry a bit mama-bear protective over my work….enjoy!\
Chapter 1
It wasn’t Jeremy’s fault.
He hadn’t planned to push Sophie off. He held his hands out, implying that yes, maybe he would. He wasn’t going to, though. He would never do that.
But then, from behind him, there was a shove. Someone was there, on the roof of an eighty story, abandoned, falling apart building, and just randomly decided to shove Jeremy and make him do exactly what he had planned not to do.
That is what he told the police.
That is the story they didn’t believe.
Why didn’t he lie, and say that Sophie simply fell?
That crossed his mind every single time he reflected on his interrogation.
But what sounds more believable; Something pushing him forward, causing him to collide with Sophie, making her fall, and the thing disappearing when he turned around, or that a woman in flats fell off a building by herself……….a building with a ratty nine-foot safety fence?
If Sophie had simply fallen, the net, though fragile, would have saved her.
So that lie would have gotten him kicked in jail just as much as the truth.
Maybe they would have believed she commited suicide. She simply pushed herself through the rope fence. Because she was depressed? Because her boyfriend had cheated on her? Because she lost her job and had nobody to go to?
But she would have had Jeremy to go to. She didn’t have a boyfriend, and was the happiest woman in the world.
Jeremy wasn’t a good liar.
Jeremy remembered the feeling of the cold hands on his back, shoving him off balance. They had felt almost……..metallic.

Chapter 2
Jude raced through the street market, the road damp with rain. His black hair was slicked back from his smooth forehead and ageless face. Everyone said Jude was lucky, for looking like he had never aged a day since his 20’s. Jude was 38.
He turned a corner and entered a little shop, dimly lit with random thigs for sale, like bamboo lamps and kitty clocks. Jude had never bought a lamp. He hadn’t a home to put one in.
Walking down a tiny stairway, Jude came to a small red door. He fumbled with his keys, cursing when he dropped them in his rush, and quickly opened it.
"Carmen?" he shouted when he barged into the dark room. There was a blue light from around a turn. He sprinted up to it, and saw some thin figure, hunched over a table. A little flamethrower, Jude had forgotten the name of that kind, was busily working away at two pieces of iron. The person put the tool down, and turned, lifting it’s welding mask, to look at Jude.
It was a woman, hair equally dark as Jude’s framing her thin face. She squealed and ran up to the man, embracing him in a warm hug. (Literally, her suit had been heated from the fire.) She stood back, arms still on his, and they studied each other.
Carmen, the woman, could have been pretty. But a scar ran along her cheek, and she was too thin. Jude, a bit shocked to see his old lab partener like this, had pale, flawless skin, sharp features, and a long, handsome face.
Carmen grabbed Jude’s hand and led him towards the little counter she had been working on. There, on the counter, was a tiny chip, purple with green wires. Alongside it was a red chip, with tiny blue wires running through it. It was much smaller, at least half the size of the purple chip.
Jude ran his white fingers across them, and turned to Carmen.
"What are they for?" he implored in a soft voice that sounded like the ocean.
Carmen grabbed a pair of tweezers from her workbench and picked the purple chip up. "They’re my latest invention. I haven’t named them quite yet. I just pop them in your skin, and I can track you on a little monitor." Carmen replied, tapping a green, flashing glass screen with her long fingernail.
"Hasn’t that been created?" interrogated Jude.
"Yes, but I’m not finished! With it, the creator-me-can talk to the wearer-you, for example-and, if necessary, control your movements. It’s Hong Kong, Jude. It’s frightening out there!" Carmen picked up a shiny silver thing from the counter.
"But why in the world would you-AUGH!" Jude screamed in pain as Carmen made an incision in his skin. It didn’t bleed, as Carmen sewed it up too fast for that.
"I have planted one in your arm." she informed Jude.
"Yes, I can see that!" groaned Jude, cupping a hand over his cut.
Carmen turned sadly to the second chip, the red one. "But there has been a problem with my work. You see, I must plant this scarlet chip in another person, by just sticking it to them. It stays, because I put some super-sticky-"
"Why?"
"It is for self-destruct. If something goes wrong, I press a button, and your automatic command is to destroy yourself."
"So you’re saying you’ve planted a mind control device inside of me, is that it?" buzzed Jude,

Chapter 1 had a lot of suspense..it was good. But the sentence "That crossed his mind every single time he reflected on his interrogation" sounds awkward. Find a different word instead of interrogation.
Chapter 2 had a bit much of dialogue in my opinion. Dialogue isn’t bad but sometimes too people talking back and forth can be shortened by having the narrator sum up what they talked about and maybe leaving in a few quotes from them during that conversation. Something else to focus on is to not just tell the reader what somebody said or looked like or a place they went to but show the reader it.

This is just what I think.

Answer mine: http://answers.yahoo.com/question/index;_ylt=Auf.MAma1yDRsXWboO0RTvPsy6IX;_ylv=3?qid=20100215145044AA2guHG